Немного англоязычного творчества

[Sabrine]

Я, конечно, не про в написании творений на английском, поэтому не уверена в корректности языковых форм и т.п. Хотелось бы донести смысл и настроение, вложенное в стих, написанный за полчаса в 4 часа утра :)

Любая критика и исправления приветствуются :)

 

I put you lying far away

And you were breathing with no answer

But where did your soul stay
When I was writing with this pencil?

I know you couldn't fall asleep

Because I've left you then so easy

But I'm here again to see

In autumn sun you lying freezing

 

New morning comes, are you still here?
Before you tell me we were killed..

Let's take a breath again, my dear

One last for us, but best to feel it

[Moonworks]

Not bad. :)

Four o'clock? Why so early?

[Sabrine]

Thank you :) Well I guess that's the best time for inspiration :)

[Хельга Skaldi]

Brilliant!.. I haven't seen such wonderful lyrics (let's call it all 'wordcraft', if you don't mind)) from non-native speaker since the time of my acquaintance with the group Sunrise... But yeah, you managed to surprise me a lot...

 

Just one more thing -

 

'But I'm here' - don't you think that the full form is needed to match the rhythm of all the poem?..